Today I was so anxious. My panic was overwhelming, overflowing until it reached the top. It boiled over into tears and shallow breathing. The shaking, crying, racing thoughts were too much and unable to stop my panic increased. Would I make it through the day? Would I make it through the next 5 minutes…the next 5 seconds? Each deep breath laboured and forced until there were no more. Until there was nothing left. Nothing but blind, seizing panic and no way out.
All I want is to run away. I found a flight to London UK today for $475 one way. I just want to drop everything, spend the money I have left on the ticket and go. Sometimes I feel as if I keep running no emotions and feelings can catch me. If I’m always excited by novel experiences when can I possibly find the time to feel depressed?
I know that’s not how this works. The running thing has never worked really. But I always know there’s a bit of me that rationalizes the fact that it’s always when I settle back down someplace that it creeps back in. So maybe, just maybe, if I run and run and never stop, the emotions cannot keep up.
This week has been unfortunate. I had the week off, which was great. But I felt like shit the whole time. I feel so alone even when I’m with everyone else; eventually I don’t even want to bother being around everyone.
I can feel K getting sick of me. He wanted to propose but now I worry that he wants to back out. I can’t subject him to this depressing madness forever but I can’t let him go either. Right now he is my life line, my only support. And I love him. I just hope he can see past this wretched, shell of a person I currently am and remember who I can be.
I saw a psychiatrist for the first time this week. This has been a huge problem. He bought up the fact that I may need to begin factoring in PTSD into my treatment. I don’t think I can handle knowing there is even one more thing wrong with me.
I already know I am depressed and anxious and fat and hopeless and worthless. Don’t you think I feel bad enough being this way already? I don’t need to add on another diagnosis. It’s just unnecessary. Especially because I feel like nothing changes anyways. This psychiatrist said I was only 22…so I had time to heal. What like I’m going to grow out of this? Unfortunately I don’t think that’s how this whole mental illness thing works.